Back It Up Like Brrr Brrr: The Genius That Is Lil Wayne

So my girlfriend and I decided that we need a vacation. In debating where to go, we could have picked the normal hotspots for Ohio folk: Florida, Vegas, Wal-Mart, etc. In the end, we chose New Orleans. (Apparently my “You’ll love the food down there” argument worked perfectly…she is planning on a weekend of eating Cajun food and I’m planning on a weekend of drunken debauchery on Bourbon Street) That’s right, New Orleans, the birthplace of my idol, Lil Wayne.

Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive, which is a fact Weezy will make sure to remind you of on nearly every mix tape song he puts out. Tupac is the greatest of all time and someone I grew up listening to, and Eminem was my favorite during my high school/early college years. But for the past few years Weezy has been the man. (I was never a big fan of Jay-Z; he always has catchy songs but I was never wowed by his actual rapping skills…plus he stole Beyonce from me.) But the difference between Tupac/Eminem and Weezy is that the former sing about inner turmoil and you can actually feel their pain. Wayne is just crazy. He consistently makes me laugh; in fact, he’s probably the only rapper that has ever made me laugh repeatedly. He throws out random sports references in his lyrics (Eric Bienemy, Steve Largent just to name a few), claims to actually eat other rappers and consistently makes hilariously outrageous comments like: Bitch I’m paid/That’s all I gotta say. That comes from “Stuntin Like My Daddy,” but the genius of it is that it’s the very first line, and he in fact says a whole lot after it. My all-time favorite lyric of his comes from his amazing Da Drought 3 mix tape: When I was five my favorite movie was The Gremlins/ That aint got shit to do with this but I just thought that I should mention. Now this comes in the middle of a verse talking about how adept he is at dealing drugs and all that fun stuff, and out of nowhere he starts talking about Gremlins.

I could go all day talking about his lyrics (The rap game is crazy, it’s more crazy than it’s ever been/ I’m married to that crazy bitch, call me Kevin Federlin), but I’ll just end with this: I’m extremely excited about my trip to Lil Weezyana, and it’s not because of the jambalaya.



Share

Reason Number 24 Why The NFL Sucks: Overtime Rules

This will be an ongoing (possibly never ending) series of posts describing in detail the many reasons why the NFL sucks.

This one completely baffles me. NFL lovers actually believe the college overtime system is messed up. Let’s break this one down. In the NFL, the coin toss is beyond huge because the winner of that gets the ball first and only has to drive about 30 yards and kick a field goal to win. Speaking of which, approximately 99% of NFL overtime games are won by kicking a field goal…how exciting! Remember that wonderful OT game last year? Here’s how it ended: The team that won the toss received the kickoff and returned it to the 25 yard line. After a couple of conservative play calls, the team reached the opponent’s 30 yard line. Then they ran the ball up the middle twice for no gain and kicked the winning field goal on third down (because if there is a bad snap the holder can spike the ball and they can kick on fourth down—the announcer will no doubt mention this repeatedly). The kick is good! YAY! Now you may be asking yourself: Which game was that? THAT WAS EVERY GAME…every OT game in the NFL plays out exactly like that. A team gets to the 30 yard line, runs two plays up the middle for no gain and then kicks a field goal. Now in college each team gets the ball once and gets a chance to score; what a novel concept! College football bashers always say they don’t like when championships are decided by judges and votes (stupid argument by the way, but I won’t get into it now). Well I don’t like when games are decided by coin tosses and kickers.



Share

Walking In Memphis

Memphis is the most interesting place I’ve ever visited in my life. Two weeks ago I spent the weekend in Memphis for the Beale Street Music Fest and I still have not gotten the experience out of my mind. I’ve realized that the main reason for my astonishment is that you never hear anything about Memphis. You’ve probably never been there and you probably don’t know anybody who has been there. Even if you’ve never been to places like LA, Vegas or Miami, someone you know has and you’ve already heard about places to go, things to see, etc. So in a way you’ve already been there.

Nothing could prepare me for what I was going to see. Living in Columbus, OH the past two years and being very much involved with the drunken debauchery surrounding Ohio State football games, I thought I had seen it all when it comes to partying. Umm…not exactly. The first thing I noticed when I arrived on Beale Street is that there are no laws. I was offered drugs and the services of a prostitute within 10 seconds of each other. The police set up barricades along the entrances to the street and you had to show your ID just to enter the street. Once inside, anything goes. For those fans of The Wire, Beale Street is the real life Hamsterdam, the area set up by rogue po-lice Major Bunny Colvin where drugs (and anything for that matter) are legal as long as you stay in the designated area.

The main focus of my attention was on the strange dichotomy of people. The male population was pretty much divided 50/50 between white Southern frat brahs sporting the John Parker Wilson hairdo and crunkish black guys auditioning to be an extra in the next Three 6 Mafia video. There was no in-between, except for me, an average looking white dude who loves Memphis rap music (Project Pat, Three 6, etc.) Needless to say, I was in heaven. I was walking down Beale drinking a big ass beer and eating a barbeque pork sandwich while oogling Southern belles, watching guys backfip all the way down the street, and listening to blaring rap music coming from every direction. Not to mention my sighting of Memphis balla Joey Dorsey, who is by far the largest man I have ever seen in person.

As for the actual Music Festival, it rocked. The festival is held on the first weekend in May and is set up on 4 stages on the banks of the Mississippi River (where Beale Street dead ends to the West). I got to see Project Pat, Colbie Collait, and Arrested Devolpment among many others. And yes, I may be the only person in the world who loves all three of those musicians. Unfortunately, my group had to drive back to Ohio Sunday morning and missed the last day of performers, which would have included O.A.R. and Fergie. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be back next year. I mean if any single town can produce Elvis, BB King, Johnny Cash, Three 6 Mafia, and Justin Timberlake, you know it’s a place worth coming back to.



Share

No We In Team

We won the national championship! We just didn’t bring our A-game and you guys beat us in all facets of the game. We have dominated our rival the past 5 years. If you follow college football as closely as I do you will hear statements like these all the time, at the office, talking with friends, online forums, etc. And I have to be honest, it annoys the hell out of me.
Why do fans say “we” and “us” when talking about their favorite team? Unless you are a player or a coach, you should not be saying “we” when discussing your favorite team. It is disrespectful to the actual members of the team when you lump yourself in with them, when they are the ones sacrificing so much. I don’t care if you are a student (or alum) or how much merchandise you buy or that you have had season tickets for 20 years. No matter how much money you give to the school, you are not a member of the team. We all pay taxes that fund our troops fighting overseas, but in no way would I ever say something like: “We are fighting a determined enemy over there.” I am not fighting anybody…other brave souls are fighting for me. Now I know comparing the sacrifices of football players to soldiers is a little extreme, but the same logic applies. As a former college football player, I know how much these players sacrifice every day. And as a fan I know how little I sacrifice while cheering on the Buckeyes…my buying of a ticket or jersey does not compare to the blood, sweat and tears the athletes give to the team. (I should note that I did not attend Ohio State but I grew up in Ohio and have been a fan for a long time. But I wouldn’t even say “we” while referring to my alma mater’s team, a team that I actually played for just a few years ago.)
The greatest thing about college football is the passion it generates in the fans. I understand this, but we all need to keep things in perspective. The “gang mentality” in this country makes us all overanxious to feel like we are part of a group or team. Well, when it comes to our favorite football team, we are not part of the team as much as we like to think we are. Despite the many dollars we spend cheering on our favorite teams, no amount of money can compare to the efforts put forth by the athletes and coaches themselves.



Share

MY 7 FAVORITE MOVIES FROM MY CHILDHOOD THAT I NOW REALIZE SUCK BUT STILL LOVE ANYWAY

I call this the “Saved By The Bell” Phenomenon: You watch a movie/TV show a million times as a kid and fall completely in love with it. You think it’s the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. Then about 10 years go by without seeing it and when you reach your twenties (and have actually developed some taste and intelligence) you happen to see it again. And it’s the most surreal experience of your life. How could I have possibly liked this movie as a kid? This is the worst dialogue I have ever heard. The shoes on my feet must have cost more than the budget for this movie. Would my IQ be 10 points higher now if I didn’t watch this every day after school for an entire year? But the strangest thing about this phenomenon is that you still love it, just because it reminds you of a time when you didn’t have to worry about paying student loans or getting that strange noise in your car checked out. So without further ado, here are my 7 favorite movies from my childhood that I now realize suck but still love anyway:

7)
License to Drive
To me, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were a better one-two punch than Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Then I grew up. But bonus points for featuring a very young Heather Graham. It’s strange watching this movie now knowing young Heather is about 10 years away from playing Rollergirl.



6)
Over The Top
This is Stallone at his best (or worst?). Most people know Sly as Rocky or Rambo, but not me. I know Sly as an arm-wrestling, truck-driving badass with the biggest brat in the history of cinema for a son. I loved the move he did with his hand that would magically make his arm stronger and help him win the match. Also bonus points for the theme song that I can still hear in my head after all these years (Meet me halfway…Dah da da Duh…Across the sky).




5)
3 Ninjas
Along with its sequels (Kick Back & Knuckle Up), this series of films was like The Godfather Trilogy to me as a child. Terrible dialogue and first-ballot Hall Of Shame fight sequences did not stop me from adoring these movies. But I now realize that Tum Tum was partially responsible for the ongoing obesity problem our nation is now facing.




4)
Star Wars
Actually I never saw this movie as a kid; I didn’t see it until I was 18. And I thought it was one of the worst movies I had ever seen. I’m just putting it on this list because all the Star Wars fanatics must have fallen in love with it as kids and live in denial as adults about how terrible it is.




3)
No Holds Barred
Hulk Hogan delivers at Oscar-worthy performance in the movie that introduced me to the word “dookie.” Plus Debo terrified me long before he was terrorizing Craig and Smokey in Friday.






2)
Commando
This movie might be the main reason why my mind is so warped now. I was way too young to be watching Arnold kill 137 people while delivering 137 terrible puns. Here’s a completely true story: When I was about 4 my parents put me in a room by myself and turned this movie on to keep me occupied. Two hours passed and my parents came back into the room to check on me. I had taken a green crayon and colored the walls, floor and myself green in an attempt to camouflage everything I saw. My parents still haven’t let me live that one down.



1)
Howard The Duck
Wow. Just wow. This was my absolute favorite movie as a kid. I probably watched it twice a day for two years straight. My parents must have seriously considered putting me up for adoption every day during that span. I saw it again a couple years ago and it was like a religious awakening. As a kid I was too naive to realize that this movie was actually filled with sexual tension between Lea Thompson and a wise-cracking duck. But I still love this movie so much that if it was playing on TV during the Ohio State-Michigan game I would have a tough choice to make on which to watch.



Share

Reason Number 11 Why The NFL Sucks: Instant Replay

This will be an ongoing (possibly never ending) series of posts describing in detail the many reasons why the NFL sucks.

There is nothing “instant” about replay in the NFL. There is supposedly a 2 minute time limit for the referee to go to his private booth on the sideline where he can see the play from several different angles. I have never seen a replay take less than two minutes. Here’s how it always works: After the coach throws out the red flag, the TV network will show a series of replays of the controversial play, go to a commercial for 3 minutes, and then come back and the ref is still chillin at the TV monitor on the sidelines. So we see the same replays again for another minute until the ref finally comes back and tells us that the play stands because “there was not indisputable evidence to overturn the call on the field.” NFL refs take “indisputable evidence” more seriously than Dave Chappelle during the R Kelly jury selection (Maybe if I saw a video of R Kelly pissing on a girl while holding up two forms of government ID while his grandmother is watching…). There is less reasonable doubt in most of these replays than in the OJ trial and they still don’t overturn the call. I’ll take the college version of replay any day, although it is still not perfect. They have a guy in the booth reviewing every single play to make sure it’s right and if a play on the field is called wrong they call the ref and let him know. It is much quicker and they overturn many more incorrect calls during the average game.



Share

The Wire: You Gotta Keep The Devil Way Down In The Hole

The Wire is the greatest form of entertainment I have ever experienced (including film, TV, books, jugglers, Nutty the water-skiing squirrel, etc.). I never thought I could be so emotionally attached to fictional characters, let alone characters that I in almost no way identify with or would ever meet through real-life counterparts. It was impossible in my mind that a television show could actually change the way I view society, and manage to be damn entertaining at the same time. I also didn’t think a TV show could make me cry (the end of Schlindler’s List gets the waterworks flowing when Oskar breaks down thinking about how many more Jews he could have saved), but several moments on this show had me bawling.
The cult-like status of this show is a strange phenomenon. This show has had relatively terrible ratings during its 5 season run…I only know two people who have seen the show and I was the one who introduced it to them (now they are addicted). It has won exactly zero Emmy awards, an even greater crime than Reggie Bush winning the Heisman over Vince Young. Yet everyone who has seen the show states that it is without a doubt the greatest television show of all time. Why does a show that is loved by every critic and every viewer get terrible ratings and zero Emmy recognition? Well honestly, because most of the characters are unattractive, poor black people. Suburban white people want to see shows with pretty, white people (Friends, The Hills, Grey’s Anatomy, etc.), not shows about black drug dealers in West Baltimore. This doesn’t mean these people are racists, just people not willing to put in the effort to think while watching TV. But another major factor that hurts ratings is that this show is brutally honest and depressing. Nothing is held back, urban life is shown as it is. When characters die, there are no profound speeches or swelling music in the background; the person gets shot and his body lays there in a pool of blood.
Two major themes of the show stick with me the most. The first is politics. I had little faith in our elected officials before seeing The Wire and I have zero faith now. You learn that politics play a major role in every beaurocratic entity (government, police, schools) and only those who are willing to play ball move on. Those who actually try to change the system for the better are quickly chewed up and spit out. The second theme is children. I can’t believe there are children in this country whose mothers are crack heads who sell their children’s food in order to buy drugs. The heartbreaking thing is that situations like this are prevalent in America. You realize that some kids just don’t have a chance in life; some people are born with a mile head start in the rat race of life and many others are born with a broken leg and have no chance to catch up.
I will end with this: You have to watch The Wire. Every American should watch this show and get a glimpse into the real world, a world that is often dark, depressing, and unflinchingly unforgiving.



Share

The BCS Haters Are At It Again

The Empire (ESPN) ran two articles today regarding the BCS: Ivan Maisel wants to keep it, while Pat Forde wants a playoff. Maisel argues his point with all the vigor of a guy whose girlfriend is dragging him around the mall ("Yeah baby, that dress looks great, buy it and let's go.")...his heart is obviously not into it. Pat Forde, meanwhile, holds nothing back and spits out all the familiar inane pro-playoff arguments. One of my favorites is the "let them settle it on the field" routine. Where do the 12 regular season games take place? On a court? A rink? They do settle it on the field, over the course of 12 intense games. The Giants won the Super Bowl last year but were not the best team, the Patriots were. And here's the kicker: THEY PROVED IT ON THE FIELD by winning 18 straight games and beating the Giants the last game of the regular season. How can people continually defend a system (playoffs) where the best team from the beginning to the end of the season rarely is crowned champion, yet continually bash a system (BCS) that more often than not crowns the best team (again by proving it on the field over the course of an entire season) as champion?



Share

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, COME ON

That thought is probably running through LeBron James’ head right now (after the Celtics finished off the Cavs in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals despite LeBron’s 45 points). LeBron is possibly the greatest athlete who ever lived. His combination of size, strength, speed, quickness, agility, and jumping ability is unmatched by any athlete in any sport that I have ever seen. Combine that with his natural passing ability (only a handful of basketball players see the floor as well or better: Chris Paul, Steve Nash, Deron Williams…that might be it), and he is the most talented basketball player ever. Jordan, Magic, Wilt, Shaq; none of these guys had as much pure ability as LeBron. Now I’m not saying LeBron is better than those guys, but he is likely headed in that direction. He needs to improve on the defensive end and is not yet consistent with his outside jump shot; but assuming that he eventually will become a deadeye like Jordan evolved into, he will be unstoppable. There are only two ways to stop LeBron now: play off him several feet and hope that he takes a jumper and misses, or throw multiple defenders at him and let LeBron throw a perfect pass to a wide open teammate who then proceeds to miss an easy shot.
And that brings us to the main point of this post. CAN WE PLEASE GET LEBRON SOME HELP? I do not say this as a Cavs fan because I am not really a Cavs fan. I say this as a fan of the game of basketball (although the NBA pales in comparison to college hoops). LeBron is my favorite player to watch because he is one of the smartest players around and is also guaranteed to make one freakishly athletic play per game. Yet I am practically in pain watching LeBron play with zombies like Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Ben Wallace. Here we have the most dynamic basketball player in the world and he’s teamed up with two painfully slow big men (sorry Ben, you used to be great but you are past your prime). Just imagine if LeBron and Steve Nash were traded a few years ago. Now LeBron is getting to play with crazy good athletes (Stoudamire, Marion, Barbosa) who can actually run with him and finish his assists. LeBron would have averaged 30 points and 15 assists with those teammates. Would Nash even have come close to winning two MVPs with his new team? I don’t think so. Let’s not forget that we are switching coaches too. Mike Brown is considered a defensive guru…umm, every NBA offense is basically the same: ball screens and isolations in the post. You would think that after the two days it takes to learn how to defend those two things, Brown would come up with an offensive philosophy other than “everybody get out of LeBron’s way.”
I am not upset about the Celtics beating the Cavs because I am a Cavs fan. I am upset because another season has gone by where the most exciting player has been surrounded be teammates that in no way compliment his skills. I am upset because I get to watch Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant shoot turnaround jumpers for the next few weeks (on second thought I won’t watch). Instead I’ll be hoping the Cavs draft Chris Douglas-Roberts in the next draft so that the most exciting NBA player can be joined by the most exciting college player. But until then, I am left with the sickening thought that we are wasting the prime years of the best athlete I have ever seen.



Share

I LOVE THE BCS

Yeah that’s right, you heard me. I’ll say it again just in case the talking heads on TV screaming for justice and begging for a college football playoff were drowning me out. I love the BCS. Actually it’s not the BCS in itself that I love, it’s what the BCS does for college football that I love. Let me state for the record that I believe college football is the greatest sport known to man. Let me also state that I hate the NFL and officially declared it dead a while ago. Now I won’t get deep into the myriad of reasons why the college version of football bests the professional version; that will no doubt be covered in a future post.
I am going to break this debate down point by point (with common playoff cheerleader catchphrases in italics):
1. The BC$ is only about money and the university presidents are too greedy to change.
This is the “your mom” of playoff arguments, always resting in the back pocket of any playoff proponent. Well allow me to retort (/Jules Winnfield), of course the BCS is about money, as is most everything in life. The BCS is basically designed to guarantee an extremely large sum of money goes into each school’s collective pocket. Why is this a bad thing? The football teams for the major programs put up Warren Buffet style profits every year (and let’s not forget, they are the main reason billionaires like T. Boone Pickens and Phil Knight donate ginormous sums of money to build facilities that benefit all students on campus). These profits fund every other sport (except men’s basketball which also brings home the cheddar at many schools). Are these presidents taking these BCS dollars and heading to the local gentleman’s hangout making it rain and sippin’ on the finest drank in the place? No, they are using the money to make sure women’s field hockey is able to afford uniforms and travel expenses. Actually, a playoff system would probably make more money than the current system due to the astronomical TV contract it would surely fetch. But that is not guaranteed; these university presidents know they have a steady income rolling in thanks to the BCS and have a responsibility to provide funding for all sports.
2. The players are already exploited enough as it is. A playoff would only further push these young men into being indentured servants. I played college football at the Division 1-AA level. Unless they reinstate the draft and I end up in the armed forces one day, I can pretty much guarantee it was the hardest, most time consuming, most physically demanding thing I’ll ever experience. During the season, your social life is non-existent. Now a few football players are known to be partiers, but this comes at the expense of academics and/or athletics and from my experience these guys are in the minority. But they get a free education, free room and board & get to live in the best student housing. I wish someone gave me a free education to play a game. That’s like me saying I wish I looked like Brad Pitt because then I could make millions and actually dump Jennifer Aniston for someone prettier. Well, I don’t look like Brad Pitt, and you don’t get someone to pay for your education because you aren’t big/strong/fast enough. That’s the way it works, these young men get certain perks because they were born with more talent than you. But to get back on topic, if anything the games should be cut back from 12; we should not be adding weeks onto an already grueling season for the players. Everybody always makes a big deal out of “scandals” like Reggie Bush allegedly getting paid while at USC. Well what’s wrong with that? The schools, TV networks, advertisers, merchandisers, etc. all made money off Reggie’s talent and popularity and yet it’s a crime when he (allegedly) gets money for himself. These guys are not paid like professionals and therefore we should not expect them to risk permanent bodily harm by playing additional playoff games just so you can sleep soundly at night knowing who the “true” national champion is.
3. But every other sport uses a playoff to determine a champion.
This is exactly why I love college football (and you probably do without even realizing it): major college football is unique. It’s not like every other sports league where the first 5 months of the season are only previews to the main attraction of the playoffs. Every week in college football is an experience, it is an event. Every game means something. Well that’s obviously not true because LSU won the national championship with two losses last year. Well hindsight is 20/20. Of course now we know those losses did not hinder LSU from winning it all, but I guarantee during the Arkansas game every LSU fan was thinking this was a do-or-die game. During the season you have to assume that one loss will end your title hopes and therefore play like it is a playoff game. Under a playoff system, we’ll know before the game that it is meaningless. Let’s say we have an 8 team playoff where the 6 major conference champions make the playoffs. Well last season’s West Virginia-Pitt upset would have meant nothing because the Mountaineers already locked up the Big East title. Also, the aforementioned LSU-Arkansas game would have been meaningless (and let me remind you we would have known this before the game, not in hindsight: HUGE DIFFERENCE) because the Tigers were already SEC West champs and were going to play in the SEC championship game regardless of that outcome. When all a team is playing for is seeding, well then that’s when college football will begin turning into the NFL (and that’s not a good thing). Final point: I am an Ohio State fan and I was able to see one of the most epic games in college football history, the 2006 Michigan game. #1 vs. #2. Buckeyes vs. I couldn’t get into an Ivy League school so I had to settle for Michigan Men. It does not get any better than that. Watching that game and living and dying with every change of momentum was one of the best experiences of my life (I know, it’s sad). Now if even a 4-team playoff was around that season, both teams would have made the playoffs and that game would have been purely about seeding. No thanks.
4. It’s what the fans want. (Note: Notice how I’m discussing the fans last. When it comes to making decisions about college football, the athletes’ needs should be considered first, then the schools’, then the fans’.) Playoff proponents never fail to pull out some poll showing how the majority of fans want a playoff. Well, Titanic made about eleventy billion more dollars than The Shawshank Redemption, but what would you say is the better movie? I thought so. Just because something is more popular or more rapidly consumed by the average American does not make it superior. Every true college football fan I know (not the regular Joe football fans who like pro, college and fantasy football equally) prefers the system the way it is. That’s because we get it. We know that less is way more in this instance. You may think more football is always better, but all we’ll get is a watered down version of the NFL if a playoff is created in college football.

With all that said, I see the writing on the wall. I know one day college football will have a playoff. It’s inevitable at this point. Too many people (as misguided as they are) want it. And when the announcement is made and playoff proponents are rioting through the streets in fits of pure extacy, I’ll probably join them. Not because I’ll agree with them, but because I’ve had my eye on a sweet 60” plasma at Best Buy.



Share

Welcome to Hell, BEEEIIITTTCCCHHH

The blog is officially up and running and Martin Lawrence welcomes you. What can you expect to find here? Well umm, the opinions of a 24 year old white male from Ohio. I'll be blogging about topics ranging from college football to the brilliance of the one and only Lil Wayne. So sit back and enjoy. Now I have to help Niko Bellic take over Liberty City in GTA IV.



Share